Author :
Jan B. Hurych
Title :
PARALLAXES
Essay:
LIFE IS . . . (11)
Life is . . .
No, no definitions today. We all know that life is not like a bowl of cherries, if you know what I mean. And if I say that life is beautiful, you may ask: is that all you want, a beautiful life? Life of comfort, peace and tranquility? Life without problems, without pain?
Of course that is exactly what I want. I used to ask for more, much more, but as the life progressed, so did I. Once a while, I slowed down my daily pace, to sit down and think about things. Yes, I used to be young, I remember it well. I did have some plans and I even turned some of them into reality. After all, I should be content, satisfied and happy - and relaxed; after all what else is the retirement for? But what if my choice of plans was wrong, what if my plans were too modest, without enough imagination or courage? What if I failed myself already when I was making those plans?
I do not know and I will never know. I could have - and probably should have - planned for more. But when I was still discovering what I was good for, it was too early to figure out what I could do for it. It was not some lack of courage, no Sir, rather the shortage of experience, orientation and determination. I did not possess that inner drive, which would tell me that I had to be a great musician, painter or what not. It was against my nature to believe I would amount to something extraordinary, that I was maybe even a hidden genius. Luckily for me, I was right not assuming those unreal and crazy notions: what a disappointment I was saved from!
So I made small plans - not so small, just not too great by my later standards. I kept fulfilling them, one after another. What a boring job, you say? Not at all, those were not easy tasks and it was quite satisfying. It felt like being able to be always right. No remorse, no regret, just everyday satisfaction and fulfillment. Meantime, the life went on. And soon I realized that I was getting old, that I was not planning anything any more, at least nothing new, challenging yet still achievable. But my young years were already gone, it was not possible to start again. I realized that there is no time left. The activity was replaced by notions, the satisfaction by doubts.
At first, I panicked: was it possible that I was not be able to do this or that? And what's more: I lost that drive I had before since the reasons for it somehow disappeared. I realized that the ways I chose were no more the best - just comfortable, without any major risk. But was it what I really wanted? True, I was no fighter, no discoverer, no visionary. So what was I, what did I really want? Too many questions were popping in my head and there were no answers. Questions like: what did I ever achieve? A there it was, the former successes turned into minor achievements, previous satisfaction into the pile of almost-failures.
The most troubling of them all: Did I do it right or did I waste my lifetime? Was it my fate or was I expected to deliver more, better or smarter? Was I supposed to obey my fate or to revolt against it?
Then I realized that there is no escape from the labyrinth of life except for "the last escape". And when the exit is getting close, why should I even bother? It was like switching to another doctor, for second opinion: if the first one says YES and the other one says NO, it is actually worse than if you get no opinion at all. But the world is not only black or white, bad or good, right or wrong. The life is a colorful process, where we sometimes do what we want to do, but mostly what we have to do.
I remember how I once asked my grandfather how did he managed to live that long - and he smartly answered: "Whatever happens, Johnny, you just keep on living." Whom he really addressed I will never know: his name was John like mine.
Well, my grandfather is gone, for long time now. Something happened and he couldn't keep on living any more; pneumonia, I believe. But I am sure he certainly died happy, satisfied and content. He already found the answer and when his time came, he was ready for it.